I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
