i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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