Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
