the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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