Grow some girl-balls and come out already
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I will be naked everywhere
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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