**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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