I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
