Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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