So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
