I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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