Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
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Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
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My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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