I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
