I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I need to calm my uterus...
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
