YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
