So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
