Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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