Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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