In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
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Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
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She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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