Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms