Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
