woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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