She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
