my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
