He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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