woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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