Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
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Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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