history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
