Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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