when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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