my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
PANTIES FOUND
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