I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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