I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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