oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
