How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
