I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
