we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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