dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
