her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
