I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
