I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
