I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
