i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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