it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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