Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
