Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
