her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
