He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
