I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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