the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
we're making bets on your personal life
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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