How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
