My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I need moral support for this bender
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
