you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
