I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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