i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
