I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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