happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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