Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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