6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I need a burrito and a hug.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
