I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
