Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Semen is not good for contacts.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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